last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
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been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
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That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize