College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
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He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize