So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize