just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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