Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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