matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
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