its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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