just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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