Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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