The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize