i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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