I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
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Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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