I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
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we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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