just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize