I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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