Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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