Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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