My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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