YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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