Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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