I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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