either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
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I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
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I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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