How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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