nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
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Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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