im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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