toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize