its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
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As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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