wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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