I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
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Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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