the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize