On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
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Church boner. Awkwardddd
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
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I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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