mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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