when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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