I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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