i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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