I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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