I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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