It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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