my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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