Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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