i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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