U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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