im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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