im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
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From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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