Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize