sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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