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I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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