We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
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No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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