I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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