hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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